Metro Area News

by Eric Bourland

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Excessive use of word "ultimate" heralds apocalypse, warns professor

PRINCETON NJ — Juanita A. Delgarito, Professor of Eschatology at Princeton University, warned today that excessive use of the word "ultimate" in modern advertising is a sign of approaching armageddon. "The word 'ultimate' means 'final'," explained Professor Delgarito. "Just as 'penultimate' means 'next to final'." According to Delgarito, an overwhelming number of consumer products currently on the market are advertised as ultimate products. "The latest digital cellular telephone from Interactive Data & Telephone is the 'ultimate in telecommunications'," said Delgarito. "The new 1999 Rolls-Royce Silver Seraph is the 'ultimate in automotive luxury'. The 16 ounce Gatorade Lemon-Lime Super Slammer is the 'ultimate in refreshment'. Etcetera etcetera. These days, a great many consumer products are ultimate, which means there will be no products to follow, which indicates a grave disruption of human society such as one caused by the apocalypse. When these ultimate products are discontinued, we can expect the Ride of the Four Horsemen, the Arrival of the Antichrist, and the Second Coming of the Messiah."