Metro Area News

by Eric Bourland

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Man estimates length of time he will be pissed off

FAIRFAX VA — Paul Christensen, 33, articulated today over coffee and danish at the Metro Diner on Lee Highway the length of time that he will be pissed off. "Well," said Christensen, "you know how scientists say that the universe will expand forever, and that after unknowable trillions of years all of the particles in the universe will roll to a halt and cease moving at the subatomic level, and then everything will be utterly cold, dark, and motionless?" Christensen's face convulsed. "Well I'll still be pissed off then!" Christensen did not say what has him so pissed off.